Why I Hate Reader Inserts
by Smart Comment Central
Summary: You are name, a completely worthless country and a horrible person every guy in Hetalia is attracted to for no reason at all. Seriously, dating a rock would be more romantic. With your ever changing personality and tendency to time jump to random places whenever the plot requires it is about to get you a date from everyone. And Russia is evil because we need an antagonist.
1. General Overview

You are name, representing the country of whoreallycares. You have no character and could be a piece of peace of paper with eyes glued to it for all you know. You are female, because there are no male fans of Hetalia, and you have a tragic back-story that makes zero sense and is completely unnecessary to the story, but I'm going to drag you through it anyway!

You are a small country with little military power regardless of the country you picked. You were bullied by other countries and had your lunch money taken. This somehow made you become panicky or something like that, but it only happens when the plot requires it. So, after slogging through more useless words, let's get to the story.

We'll start with a description of your surroundings that is so vague you could be anywhere from Siberia to Chile. But disregard that and look at the lovely chaos before you! All the Hetalia nations are sitting at a table and quoting lines from the first episode! Italy is saying "ve~" before and after every sentence, America has said something about heroes five times, and no fanfic is complete without Spain saying Romano looks like a tomato ten million times! Germany starts yelling at everyone, saying his exact line from episode one. It doesn't work this time, so you decide to yell at everyone. They listen to you, which is weird because your country supposedly has no power at all and might not even exist.

The meeting ends right after this because the fanfic writer is lazy. Germany thanks you for stopping the fights copy-pasted from the anime you would never be able to actually stop and he leaves after a mention he was blushing. You are then invited to a party America is hosting down the street because the vague description was of Washington D.C. Despite the fact your weakly established character would never actually accept, you do because the fanfic says so and you don't get a say in it.

Instead of cutting to the party where it would be, you know, interesting, you run into Russia. He beats you around a bit because he is evil and that is his one and only character trait and the writer needed an antagonist. Well, if he/she used his/herself, this fanfic would be a lot better. And funnier as we watched some friendless person being beat up by the very countries antagonized them.

Anyway, England helps you up, doting on you like a three year old because women obviously can't care for themselves, countries included. You cry your insecurities you didn't know you had to him even though he doesn't really know you. But instead of being concerned enough to get you some help when you mention you are suicidal for whatever reason, he just tells you it will be okay and leaves you in the middle of a street you didn't know you were standing in. You then walk to America's party.

The party has already started when you arrive and you see all the countries doing overly stereotypical things, reminding you once again the writer doesn't actually know anything about the characters except what they got from the first four episodes.

You are quickly called over by Hungary, who is conducting a game of Seven Minutes in Heaven. Her personality is completely messed up; leading you to correctly assume the writer is using her as a self-insert. The writer then pairs his/her OTPs and throws them in a closet, adding how all of them were kissing inside and blah blah blah this isn't relevant to the plot at all.

Then it is your turn to be locked in a closet. Russia, because he is evil because the writer says so, is your partner. He does his weird "kolkolkol" laugh even though he does that when angry and he is creepily happy now. America steps forward and punches him and kicks him out even though if he knew your character her would want to kill you too. He apologizes and asks for the game to continue. He is chosen as your closet partner and you are both locked in.

While inside, though it is mentioned it is dark, you see perfectly fine, even noticing America's blush and pointing it out. He is embarrassed and stammers his way through some weird, out of character angst no one cares about before you kiss him. You keep kissing and are given a creepy description of the kiss before you pull apart just in time for the door to open. America makes a snaky comment and you get out.

While walking, you slip on air and hit your head. Again, going against what flimsy character and what any person over the age of five would do, you burst into tears. Spain finds you and for no reason starts kissing you. After making out unnoticed at the party, you walk away, suddenly depressed you don't look good enough because all guys care about is how hot a girl is, and they are completely blind to any kind of personality. But then again, with your personality, maybe you should be worried about your looks.

Germany finds you moping and, like a true whore, you start to violently make out with him. In a horribly written sex scene that you keep angsting through, it is suddenly mentioned your country is at war with a bunch of random OCs plucked from the back the writer's demented mind. Germany vows to be your ally and you wander off once more.

You clothes are suddenly back on your body and the party is still going because the writer has no concept of time. England appears again, asking where you were. You stammer ridiculously out of character, but he somehow believes you. You mention you have an abusive brother because you need to be as tragic and overdone as possible, and England connects because one line about how his brothers were a bit mean when he was trying to colonize America means they are obviously abusive. You have a weird heart to heart that transforms into a kiss. All of your other crushes see this and get angry. You manage to get them to stop fighting and say how they are all special and you love all of them equally. You declare you will be the girlfriend of Spain, even though you have the most flimsy of reasons for it, but whatever. The countries drew straws, Spain got the short one, so now he is stuck with you.

* * *

Hello world! I hope you enjoyed the story! I hate reader inserts with a passion, and this is why. Well, just a few reasons. If it is wanted, I can add more to this and cover any stupid thing fanfic writers do and over do in stories, but I had burned my eyes and fingers enough. Scc out!


	2. Depression?

"Name! Come on, we're gonna be late!" Feliciano called to you as he sprinted ahead in the halls. But you were too busy angsting over generic "girl" problems, I'm not pretty enough, I don't have any friends, no one likes me, blah blah blah. It sounds like the writer learned about depression through break-up songs and Linkin Park albums, but we a story, well not _really_ a story, but you know what I mean.

You mumble to Feliciano and he, despite the fact he is awesome with detecting emotions, gets the role of useless friend and skips into class. You walk in as the bell rings and the class stares as you walk slowly to your desk. You could have avoided the stares and embarrassment, but the writer wants you to seem "relatable", so to Idiot Land we go!

"Why are you late, name?" Asks Germani- oh wait, um, Generically Named Teacher.

Instead of coming up with any kind of excuse you sink into your desk as Mr. Teacher lectures you, and only you, despite the fact that nearly all teachers would at least try to make not all of the speech focusing on you. But we get it, your life sucks, as a girl able to go to school without of being gunned down or sold into slavery, with the rights to vote and the ability to own land and yourself. But your life is totally the worst possible life _ever_. How can we get that across more?

"Oh, hello, name." Oh look, it's Ivan. Need a character beaten for no reason; Ivan will do so despite the fact he would never actually do that. But the writer is an uncreative person, so after a bullying scene, you begin to angst again.

"Oh!" You cry, "Why is my life so hard? Why can't the writer understand anything about depression other than you're sad and might cry? Why do I have to be bullied by a perfectly nice, if slightly unstable, character?"

"Oh, who are you?" Comes a nice British voice. Enter Arthur, as he acts more responsible than any adult because all the teachers are deaf and can't hear a kid screaming and crying from five feet away from their door.

"I-I'm name." You stutter, because all depressed people stutter now, "W-who are you?"

"I'm Arthur. Now, name, what happened?" He smiles and pulls you up.

Apparently you are the thickest person in the universe because you think Arthur will tell Ivan you told Arthur what he did. That sentence was confusing, but not as confusing as this brilliant logic you now have:

If I tell Arthur, he will tell the teachers

If the teachers know what happened, Ivan will know I told someone

If Ivan knows I told someone, he will kill me

Now, after this brilliant gem, you start crying into Arthur, who is understandably confused. You are crying, not because you were just beaten and might have some broken ribs, but because someone cares about you. This might have been heartwarming had you not been the stupidest person to make it to high school. But instead, most are just left wondering about your parents, who are probably killed off, Feliciano, who you even referred to as your best friend, those three random kids at lunch who trying to ask you what was wrong. But no, none of them, for all their doting and questions and kindness, actually care about you. Only some random dude who helped you off the floor cares.

"There there." Arthur pats you back, "Everything is going to be okay."

"No!" You scream, "Nothing is going to be okay!" Congrats, you have officially alienated the rest of your audience by not taking comfort or friendship when it is offered. No wonder everyone hates you.

"What is going on here?" Mr. Other Generically Named Teacher asks, walking out into the hall. The entire rest of the school shows up for some reason and you have a mini panic attack when you see Ivan. But right now, all readers still reading this just want to see you be punched in the face.

Arthur stands up (he was sitting?) and faces the teacher like a noble knight, because all teachers are evil and all hot guys are saints, "Mr. Generic Name," he begins, "It has come my attention that there are some serious problems with our school." Just now realizing that there are problems with a school where a kid is beaten up just outside an active classroom and no one notices? You might be denser than Idiot Lander over here.

Arthur continues his speech, somehow knowing your entire life story from the two sentences you told him. Forget the bullies, we have a stalker on our hands! But he keeps going, highlighting the horrible parts of your life. Like a wonderfully made dark character, you have an overly depressing back-story involving deaths of every kind, you are depressed, you are bullied in school by everyone, you have no friends if we ignore those five or six people you called your friends, and on and on.

Everyone is shocked beyond their wits. I mean, I would be surprised if that one bland girl who seems a-okay most of time turned out being effing grimdark. Your friends, wait no, good acquaintances (?), are crying and apologizing for being there for you even though it was you being a jerk whenever they tried to get close. Like before, this scene could be very moving if we cared about our (?) "character" at all. Really all she is brick with googly eyes and a computer reading Cleverbot dialog.

But every one is so moved by that speech I'm-not-a-stalker Arthur gave that they all promised to be nicer to you. Ivan is not mentioned ever again, so we have to assume he went over to the intelligent part of the fandom where people see him as a character, not a psycho.

And you get the happily ever after ending with Arthur despite the fact that you are so dull and awful to be around you would drive him to suicide.

* * *

Hello world! We have another installment of this story, so I hope you enjoyed! Nothing against actually depressed people, you have a real problem, but the "depression" in most stories isn't real depression, just crying and angst. I will take suggestions of what to bash next about reader inserts, or maybe OCs, but until next time, Scc out!


	3. The States of Chaos

It was a fine summer day in Randomtown, USA. All of the nations were having a meeting. Or rather, immersed in utter chaos. All quoting lines from the anime because the writer is too lazy to make real jokes, they stall for time because no one knows what's going on. Until…

"Hey, what's up?" A random teenager with a ridiculously stereotyped Brooklyn accent strides into the room, grinning.

"New York!" America exclaims, standing quickly, "What are you doing?"

"You were taking awhile to end the meeting so the others sent me here to see what was happening." Oh, right, New York. Because the only thing that exists in New York is New York City. Better go overboard on the description of just one state so you will forever be confused as to who this even is. Let's see, where were we?

"Who the hell are you?" There goes England.

"New York."

"You mean the state?" Germany seems confused.

"Yes like the state. I know all you are definitely not composed of multiple states, some of which were once independent nations. Because obviously in a world where states get personifications, only American states count." New York grins and walks away, only to be shoved back into the room by, no joke, 49 other kids. Fifty in total.

That's right folks, the writer is so uninvested that s/he just put fifty teenagers in a single room with a full meeting of nations already there. But who cares about realism? Certainly not anyone at all! And now, we will be dragged through a description of each state.

Connecticut is really short and blond. And misspelled.

New York gets a re-description.

California is prissy teenaged girl.

Nevada is a total slut.

Texas is a cowboy.

All southern states are ridiculously stereotypically "southern" to the point of being offensive.

Massachusetts likes baseball.

Maine speaks like Canada.

Ohio and Pennsylvania hate each other.

Vermont is also like Canada.

So is New Hampshire.

Alaska and Hawai'i are five.

Montana does not exist.

The author got all info on New Jersey by watching Jersey Shore.

Nebraska is eating corn.

So is Idaho.

Maryland is holding a live crab.

So, I hope you remembered all that, because there will be no more hints as to who or what these guys look like or their personality. All aboard the confusion train!

"Shut up New York!" That's Massachusetts, I think. It seems like a girl, but no hints are given. Wasn't Massachusetts a guy first? Oh well, who really cares anyway.

"Why should I?" Except the "New York" accent makes it look like someone ripped all the letters out of a keyboard except five and the apostrophe. He says something along the lines of "I hate you" but it could be anything.

"Stop all this ruckus!" It's Texas! Who then decides to try beat up someone described so vaguely he could be punching a lamp.

"Yeah!" Says Kansas. Well there you go, Midwest. You got one state to say one word. You no longer exist.

California comes forward, rambling about something unimportant. You can just skip the dialogue, you aren't missing anything.

"No!" Screams Utah. Or is it Idaho?

"No one cares, Montana!" Oh, so Montana's entering the universe was so fierce it shoved Utah into another dimension? Well, the chaos only escalates further, so have a look at these lines! Don't bother trying to find out who they belong to, I certainly couldn't!

"Oh yeah, well go back to eating corn!"

*Unintelligible grumbling noises*

"I'm so awesome!"

"Hey~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!"

*Insert badly written southern accent here*

And here too!

Add some racist and offensive remarks while you're at it.

"Shut up!" Ooooh, I think it's Germany, but for all we know it could it could be stapler with eyes glued to it.

"Yes, D.C." the fifty states chorus. Then they remain silent and obedient as the capital lectures them on not wasting time for fifteen minutes.

Also, why D.C.? She isn't a state. Also, why female? All the other states are male; at least they seem to be. So why a girl? There's no problem with female OCs, it's just…

The long and boring info dump of a description can be summarised as the following:

D.C. is the most beautiful person to ever walk the earth. What makes her beautiful is unknown.

She is the kindest person ever. Her day job is saving orphans and killing Nazis.

She is in no corrupt, mean, flawed, or the like. She is as pure as pure can get.

Or, to summarise a summary, she is the most annoying kind of Mary Sue to ever curse a fanfiction.

She talks about a few things, hooks a few nations together like Writer's little girl, and then gets together with America. Wait, what?

It said, albeit briefly, that the states are America's children? So wouldn't D.C. be his kid too? Or is this just an exception so the author can have her clone be felt up by her totally-not-father? It's probably that.

Quickly, states, quickly! Nations too! Run, before the Sue gets you! Run America, before it's too late!

Ignoring the fact that they are in front of 80+ people, America decides to get all lovey and crap. "You know D.C., before you came along I was completely alone, if you ignore my brother, England, all those other countries I'm totally not friends with. I was depressed and alone, because I can't think of another sad word. Alone, alone, alone."

"I know." Say D.C., getting closer, "But you are not alone now. You have me. And all your friends who were here before. I will never leave you. And you will never leave me because the writer says so, and the writer is me. And she really wants to write a sex scene with her clone, so let's have sex! It's totally not incest."

"Okay." Say America, "Let's."

That screaming noise you hear is me, trying bleach my eyes.

* * *

Hello world! This took awhile, mostly because I forgot about it. I have nothing against state/country/capital OCs, in fact I really like them. It's just frustrating when the person doesn't know about what the OC is representing, and when they have a million all at once. I shall see you next time, SCC out!


	4. Totally Not Twilight

The tavern was noisy and crowded, with people of all kinds gathered to tell tales and drink away their troubles. A woman of twenty sits in the back, black cloak shielding her skin, hood covering her face. She drinks a bit more from her glass, keeping others away with hostile stares. This strange woman, dear Reader, is you.

You stand up to leave, having gathered as much information as you could without being discovered. You begin to walk out when a man bars your path, drunken gaze eyeing your feminine shape.

"So," he slurs, "Yer a lady? W'l maybe you should come wi' me. It's dangris fer a lady on 'er own." He stumbles against you, grinning foolishly.

You brush past him, but he steps on your cloak. It slips off of you, revealing your pale skin, glowing eyes, and strange scar on the side of your neck. You turn, lashing out with sharpened nails and take the drunk down, minus one eye.

The tavern is still for a moment before exploding, every person grabbing every manner of weapon and charging you. You turn and flee, sprinting out of their range and off into the fields. Quickly you break into a small house by the river, stealing anything valuable and drinking from the farmer who lives there.

Did I mention you were a vampire?

Well, vampire is a bit of a stretch. You certainly aren't the classic vampire, with purple skin and black hair, and you aren't a cool vampire with the turn into a bat power and hypnotize gaze and mind control.

You are a "vampire", the kind that runs really fast and sparkles. Congratu-freakin-lations.

Did that clear things up? I hope so, because here are more info dumps!

Something about you being a famous vampire, daughter of a king, most powerful in blah-blah country, most wanted monster in where-ever, something about being lonely.

Well, maybe you wouldn't be lonely if you didn't kill everyone you met? Did that ever dawn on you? That maybe people don't want to be friends with a murderer?

But, we, and I mean you, have a more pressing issue. The sun is rising, and without shelter, you will blind yourself with your sparkles. Time to find a place to go.

You run through the city alleyways, avoiding everyone you see with some bullshit power vampires don't even have. In the last fleeting minutes before full sun, you find a few pieces of wood to make a sun-shelter with. Sitting by the road, pretending to be a homeless person and collecting information for reasons never made clear. This is your day.

That is, until a strange man walks by and notices your odd clothing. Picture whatever you want, I'm going with the well-thought out exposition that will give clarity to whatever is supposed to be going on that the writer obviously left. Out.

So this guy has you come with him, and the fact you sparkle is forgotten as you walk through a city in broad daylight. But you arrive at a castle-y type place, so we don't even need to worry about that.

"I," The man begins, turning to face you for the first time, "am Gilbert Beilschmidt." He's albino just so you know, with the red eyes and such. Not sure how far into the series the write actually got, so s/he left that out with rest of the description. Just kidding, that's all the writer described.

You stand still for a few seconds, struck with the fact you aren't a real vampire. Gilbert sees this and mistakes it for something important. Soon you are lying in his bed and he is watching over you.

Wait, weren't you supposed to be famous? Isn't that why every one at the bar-sorry, tavern-knew who you were and decided to attack you? Shouldn't Gil, who seems like a knight or something like that, be able to recognize the most wanted and deadly "vampire" in all of where this takes place? But we get it, everyone is stupid and or blind.

Gil goes to get you some food, and you decide how to kill him without drawing any suspicion. He returns with food, and gives it to you before deciding on a whim to spill his heart to a complete stranger.

So here's Gilbert, angsting up a storm about problems pulled out from the cliché bucket, and you, silently noting every weakness he has to use against him later. And you wonder why you don't have friends.

Days go by with you acting as a freeloader and dealing with Gil's angst. But, as a well thought out and paced character development point, you realize you don't want to have to kill everyone you see and are in love with Gilbert. I'm just kidding, it came to you in a shitty dream sequence.

But you then decide to confess to Gilbert, and he reveals after a moment of not at all suspense, he likes you back. Story over, right?

What? We still got more? Ugh, here we go.

You feel bad for all the people you killed and decide to turn the tables, angsting your heart out to Edwa- Gilbert. He is totally Gilbert. This is not Twilight, this is Hetalia, how could ever get them mixed up?

You and not-Edward then have some nice romanticy style talks about feelings and philosophy that drag on and on and on.

You stop being a freeloader and start instead wandering about the house, being antisocial and wondering why no one wants to talk to you. Turns out Ludwig was invited to the fanfic, and you talk to him a bit while the writer tries to be ominous.

Then, one fateful day, because of reasons that are being withheld indefinitely, some demon/devil thing possesses you. It is known as the Stupid Plot Device, and lurks in the deepest depths of Fandom Hell.

The Device forces you to kill Ludwig. You then hide his body in a closet. You probably didn't even need to do that with how thick everyone is.

Gilbert comes and notices something amiss.

"Hey, is everything alright?"

"Yep! I _totally_ did not just kill your brother and hide his a closet. Not a chance."

"Well, that's good! Let's just hope my density doesn't cause a gravitational collapse into a black hole!"

And they lived happily ever after, with only the occasional demon murder spree.

* * *

Hello world! This took a bit longer than expected, but after I finish these two projects I have, updates should be much quicker. I still need more ideas for more chapters though, and a big thanks to my good friend Miss Malicious Makara for helping me with this chapter. The advertising is done, so SCC out!


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